Funnier Than the Sunday Comics

Lots of funny things to record.

Like today, when I was teaching the Relief Society lesson on marriage. The first principle was that in the happiest marriages, both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth. I brought my pearl necklace as a visual aid and then added that pearls are formed when a foreign object gets inside the oyster and becomes an irritant. "An irritant can turn into a pearl. . . we can probably apply that to marriages as well."

But then the 85-year old lady in the front row raised her hand, "Well look what happens to women. Something gets inside our body, and then we end up with a baby."

Nothing like an awkward sexual comment from the oldest woman in the room to start off the lesson.

There was a lice alert for Rachel and Lucy's Primary class today. (Rachel just about hyperventilated when I told her, and I spent 40 minutes meticulously checking their hair after church. . . I am pretty confident that we are in the clear.) But it made me laugh when I saw this paper that Adam brought home from school:

Last week, the Sunday School lesson hadn't even officially started yet, and it was already way off base. First, it was a series of comments on gun control laws and then a lady raised her hand with a whole discourse on 9/11 and how it was actually a government conspiracy. Sister Castle walked in late. She stood there in the doorway for a minute or two and then said, "Excuse me? What lesson are we on? Because I don't see any of this in the manual."

It was awesome.

But in most cases, it's our kids who make us laugh.

Lucy: Mom, I can't figure out why Duck Dynasty is so popular.
Adam: Lucy, I can't figure out why you are so popular.

Adam was probably the most popular kid in class on Friday. He won the class raffle and was the first student to bring home the class pet, a hamster named Peanut Butter. When I picked Adam up on Friday, there was a hoard of kids standing around him. They swarmed me, as I carried Peanut Butter to our car, all asking if they could come over for a playdate.

Adam is also winning points in the friend department because of his taste in library books. Specifically, a zombie-ish book called Creatures of the Deep. During the drive home from school, the three first graders were sitting in the back row of the Pilot, laughing uncontrollably. I asked what they were laughing about and heard bits of pieces about "lady", "swimsuit", and "monster". I told them to hold up the picture and saw this:

I actually pulled over and made them pass the book up to me to make sure it was appropriate.

Speaking of appropriate. . .

Rachel: What's a virgin?
Me: Ummmm. Someone who hasn't ever had sex.
Rachel: Doesn't it also mean a place where grapes grow?
Me: No, that's a vineyard.
Rachel: Oh. . . I get those two mixed up.

I can't even remember what it was for, but I was filling out some sort of questionnaire about myself. One of the questions asked what one of my best qualities was. I put patience. Rachel quickly spoke up, "Sorry, Mom. You aren't actually very patient. . . but you are a good trip planner."


Not especially funny, but another thing worth recording: Rachel (ten-and-a-half-years old) finally grew into the shoes that Lucy wore when she was seven.

A few weeks ago, Steve told Adam to do something. Adam asked why and Steve said because he was his parent. Adam quipped back, "Actually, you're not my full parent. You are just my dad here on Earth. My full parent is Heavenly Father. You're really just my brother."

Adam frequently tells us what he is going to do differently when he is the parent:

"When I'm a dad, the rule is going to be that you don't have to take a shower."

"When I'm a dad, the rule is going to be that you can eat whatever you want for dinner."

"When I'm a dad, the rules on Sunday are going to be that you can watch ten episodes of non-church shows per day."

Lucy also likes to make plans for the future:

"When I have my Japanese restaurant, all of the servers are going to dress up like ninjas."

I posted quite a few of these on Facebook and Instagram, but I don't consider either of those to be real record keeping, so I am documenting them here as well.

Steve: I was hoping for another "Meatless Monday" dinner.
Lucy: I was hoping for a "McDonald's Monday" dinner.
Rachel: Oh, I get it. . . because McDonald's doesn't use real meat. (September 9)

These three girls went and watched the One Direction movie by themselves. I totally regret not going with them because I think it would have been great entertainment to witness their excitement. . . One of them got so excited that she cried.

Lucy: When I grow out of these shoes, I'm going to give them to you. And when you grow out of them, you should give them to India because she will love them.
Rachel: We might not even wear shoes in five years.
Lucy: Because we're going to be levitating?
Rachel: Yeah. (September 5)

Rachel: You guys have started learning already?!? Lucky. We haven't. (August 28. . . the third day of school.)

Lucy (at Lagoon): I'm almost positive that lady does the voice for Elmo. (August 19)

One of my friends suspected that her son had pinworms. Rachel totally overheard the conversation and needed to know all about pinworms. I decided it would be a good teaching moment and explained to my kids how important it is to thoroughly wash our hands and that they should be thankful for their mother who is anal about keeping their nails trimmed short. And I told Adam that he needed to keep his hands out of his pants or he was going to get pinworms. Adam clearly misunderstood the whole conversation because the next day, we were standing in the middle of In-N-Out, waiting for a table. It was opening weekend and ridiculously crowded. And that's when Adam loudly asked, "Mom, you know how I kind of have pinworms?" (August 17)

Adam: Where are we going camping?
Me: At the Ogden Nature Center.
Adam: Is that the place with the pond?
Me: Ummm, I don't know if they have a pond.
Adam: It is. And did you know that they have turtles and they hibernate during the winter?
Me: Oh yeah?
Adam: They stay in the bottom of the pond all winter long. And guess what? They breathe out of their bums.
Me: Really?
Adam: But, Mom, when the lady told us that, she didn't say the word bum. She said the word that sounds like bum.
Me: Uh oh.
Adam: Yeah. Didn't her family ever teach her that that's not a very nice word to say? (August 16)

Adam: Mom, if I actually liked Kaleigh and wanted to marry her, our name could be Kadleigh. Or, if I marry Madey, then people can call us Madam. (August 4)

Steve is funny too.

Rachel: Did you ever go to EFY, Mom?
Me: Yeah, when I was 14.
Rachel: Did you go, Dad?
Steve: Nope.
Me: What? You never went to EFY? That seems like it would have been right up your alley. . . lots of girls to kiss.
Steve: Ha. I didn't need EFY for that. (July 26)

We went to Cherry Hill for our first time. I was a little shocked when I found Steve sleeping in the shade.
Me: Ummm. Where's Adam?
Steve: In the lazy river.
Me: By himself?
Steve: Yeah.
Me: Without a life jacket?
Steve: Yeah. I'm pretty sure he can touch. And he has his goggles with him, so he'll be okay. (July 24)

And then there was the day that I was mad at Steve. . . until I received this text message: 

Best picture ever: 

My kids might be growing up with an overload of digital technology. . . Lucy asked me if we could change the beeping noise on the microwave to a different ringtone. (July 20)

Adam hurt Lucy, so I told him to say five nice things about her.
Adam: Do they have to be TRUE?
Me: Yes. . .
Adam: Well, then I'm not going to be able to come up with any. (July 5)

Adam: Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to check the record book and see which one I can break. (June 23)

Rachel was making a video for Steve for Father's Day. "What's your favorite song?" she asked. "I looked for 'Call Me Maybe', but for some reason it wasn't on there." (June 16)

I took Adam and Madey with me to Deseret Book. It was right before Mother's Day, and the store was packed. I left them in the kids area and went to go look on a different aisle. I was bent over, looking at something, when Adam walked up to me and loudly said, "There she is. I'd recognize that butt anywhere!" (May 10)

(Especially embarrassing because a) we don't use that word at our house, b) it made it sound like he's heard someone else say that before. . . but he hasn't, and c) the part about it being really crowded.)

Kaleigh prayed that she could PLEASE have some fun in her dreams tonight. . . she also keeps telling us that Lady Gaga is in jail. (May 10)

Rachel (probably accurately) self-diagnosed herself with a disorder called mysophobia. "Mom, there are other people in the world like me!" (May 5)

Adam: Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to be a scientist, and I'm going to bring dinosaurs back to life.
Me: What are you going to do with them? Won't they eat all of the people?
Adam: I'll just put them in the Bermuda Triangle because nobody wants to go there anyway.
Me: What if they figure out a way to get out of there?
Adam: Okay, you're right. Maybe I'll just bring back wooly mammoths. (May 5)

And these are from a very long time ago. . . back when I ran the Canyonlands Half Marathon, but I neglected to post them.

Lucy: Mom, I think you are going to win! All I see is old people.

Rachel: Did you know that prison meals are healthier than school lunch meals?

Lucy: America's favorite pastime is supposed to be baseball. But my favorite pastime is watching the toilet flush. It's just so mesmerizing.

Rachel: Mom, how old were you when you got married?
Me: Nineteen. Are you going to get married in nine years?
Rachel (unexcitedly): Yeah. . . might as well.


Kayli said...

So many good ones! I really love the 'Yeah... might as well." though.

And I was there when you took the cat eyes picture!! --In fact, I think that is me behind the lady with the cat. I'm famous!

And I had to tell the virgin/vineyards one to Brett cause I thought it was funny.

Mindy said...

I think this may be my favorite post to date. Holy crap, so many good ones! I'm really glad you have written all this down...the kids are going to love reading it in a few years.