the hole in my heart

twelve days.
it doesn't seem fair.
or right.
and yet, it's his right, as a father.
to take his daughter.
from her home. her room. her family. her life. our life.

so i replay things in my head.
should we have called the police in march?
our counselor warned us about this.
all or none, he said.
we thought we were doing what was best.
for everyone.

but we shouldn't have protected him.
he is an adult.
he created this mess.
this chaotic, dysfunctional mess.
dcfs is supposed to protect the children.
but instead, they protect the parents, the adults.

what would have happened if we hadn't opened the door?
the policeman was pounding so hard.
should we have taken her back
when he was done with her after two hours?
or would the cycle continue. forever.
no more cycles.

she needs stability.
we need stability.
she needs love. protection. nurturing.
i promised her i would always take care of her.
and keep her safe.
but now she's gone.

so i turn to God.
it is better for us to pass through sorrow.
for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.
tuesday was the day of tears.
how long will the new, new normal last?
is everything as it should be?

we saw her monday.
nails needed trimmed. eczema was bad. hair needed washed.
how could he do this to her?
how could he do this to us?
betrayed and broken.
how can this be His plan?

i avoid people. places. situations.
because i don't want to talk about the hole.
the hole in my heart.
the hole that can't be filled.
waiting. waiting. waiting.
forever uncertain.

so we trust in the Lord with all our heart
and lean not unto our own understanding
in all our ways
acknowledge Him,
and wait
for Him to direct our path.


Kayli said...

I can't comprehend. I'm so sorry. So so soooo sorry.

Shafferprincess said...

Wow. I'm so sorry Emily. I can't even begin to imagine. Praying for your peace for the hole in your heart.

Gloria said...

So sad sometimes when things don't seem fair. You are doing your best.

Natalie B. said...

You, and especially her, are in my prayers every day. This one has got to be taking all the faith you can muster. I can't even imagine. XOXO

Rachael said...

Oh, Emily, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about you guys a lot lately, wondering how things were going. You will all be in our prayers.

Stephanie Dirks said...

Poignant. I'm sorry for your suffering. And hers.

Where are my Mary Jane's? said...

So beautifully written. Wish we knew all the answers to this mess. You are handling it all with such grace.